china is a funny place because

well, you have to be in it to feel it.
it's like after a while there are still countless things that you know would usually infuriate you and make you curse your perfectly average way of living and the lackluster charm of the peoples' lives and all the things that are just mind-boggling and weird and divine and just not how you should do things.

sitting in my new regular diner-type place is the best when the guy squashed in next to me (at peak feeding-time) is hocking and hocking and one more time, another hock.
now, if you think my thoughts are incoherent, you should spend seven months in china and see how you fair, buddy.

still. china is a funny place because after being here for seven months the only thing that truly angers me, like really gets my goat, is when a chinese stranger calls me beautiful.
but this is how it goes, for us all.

i am every westerner rolled into one straggly brunette with deathly white skin and a goofy long nose and because i am all of us at the same time, i am beautiful.

i am every celebrity who ever graced the cover of vogue, and i am every famous football player who has proudly boasted my triumphs thanks to the new line of adidas sneakers or whatever the fuck those crazy kids are wearing these days.

i am every american, canadian, or brit to ever grace the earth - god forbid this ghostly white lass is a proud african.

i am every prize-pig at a county fair and i've even got the ribbon to prove it.

still, i was riding the bus when a boy yelled out beautiful and so i yelled "Piàoliang" because it's the polite thing to do because everyone is beautiful (or can be beautiful if they smile enough, which too many people don't.) anyway, so i yelled back and this boy got so offended that i'm sure he was hoping that the parting spit that he gave as he got off the bus would hit my shoe, which it didn't.

so much has changed since the last post and i'm happy in an entirely new way and life is just funny that way most of the time.

thailand does wonders for a traveller. new city is remarkable and not at all guangzhou, which i will now only refer to as 'satan's swimming pool'.
too much to say.
lacking the words.
hope to keep the posts concise, so this is done.

how to disappear completely

“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.” 

___________________________________________________________________

so the culmination of my time in panyu now all feels like some nightmarish purgatory that i've very suddenly escaped from and i'm back in yangshuo and it's the closest feeling to coming home that i've had in a long time. finally my highly irritating pleadings to the heavens have gotten me grounded. whether i'm certifiably insane or not is still a question unanswered.

greeted by a pitch black, icy night covered in haze; and two very friendly faces - beyond and liuhai - was once again entranced by the wondrous nature that surrounds guilin. the silhouettes of these looming mountains got me feeling all tingly and special again.

so back to happy hotel, in the city where i was first renamed and welcomed into what can be a very unwelcoming place. 

going back to square one isn't always so terrible.

the only difference is that i am unaccompanied, unshackled and absolutely hopeful this time round.

looks like the marvelously debilitating fits of anxiety are set to subside for a while. school holidays were always and will always be the shit. 

will be joined by  the wonderful christopher in a couple of days. until then, my only intention is to grab a bicycle and disappear completely. feel much less conspicuous in this town and infinitely more daring. for now, tessa has left the building. might even put on a show and practice my french skills while i'm still free of obligation.'je ne parle pas anglais'. 

because for the next month, i am so done with english.