china is a funny place because

well, you have to be in it to feel it.
it's like after a while there are still countless things that you know would usually infuriate you and make you curse your perfectly average way of living and the lackluster charm of the peoples' lives and all the things that are just mind-boggling and weird and divine and just not how you should do things.

sitting in my new regular diner-type place is the best when the guy squashed in next to me (at peak feeding-time) is hocking and hocking and one more time, another hock.
now, if you think my thoughts are incoherent, you should spend seven months in china and see how you fair, buddy.

still. china is a funny place because after being here for seven months the only thing that truly angers me, like really gets my goat, is when a chinese stranger calls me beautiful.
but this is how it goes, for us all.

i am every westerner rolled into one straggly brunette with deathly white skin and a goofy long nose and because i am all of us at the same time, i am beautiful.

i am every celebrity who ever graced the cover of vogue, and i am every famous football player who has proudly boasted my triumphs thanks to the new line of adidas sneakers or whatever the fuck those crazy kids are wearing these days.

i am every american, canadian, or brit to ever grace the earth - god forbid this ghostly white lass is a proud african.

i am every prize-pig at a county fair and i've even got the ribbon to prove it.

still, i was riding the bus when a boy yelled out beautiful and so i yelled "Piàoliang" because it's the polite thing to do because everyone is beautiful (or can be beautiful if they smile enough, which too many people don't.) anyway, so i yelled back and this boy got so offended that i'm sure he was hoping that the parting spit that he gave as he got off the bus would hit my shoe, which it didn't.

so much has changed since the last post and i'm happy in an entirely new way and life is just funny that way most of the time.

thailand does wonders for a traveller. new city is remarkable and not at all guangzhou, which i will now only refer to as 'satan's swimming pool'.
too much to say.
lacking the words.
hope to keep the posts concise, so this is done.

how to disappear completely

“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.” 

___________________________________________________________________

so the culmination of my time in panyu now all feels like some nightmarish purgatory that i've very suddenly escaped from and i'm back in yangshuo and it's the closest feeling to coming home that i've had in a long time. finally my highly irritating pleadings to the heavens have gotten me grounded. whether i'm certifiably insane or not is still a question unanswered.

greeted by a pitch black, icy night covered in haze; and two very friendly faces - beyond and liuhai - was once again entranced by the wondrous nature that surrounds guilin. the silhouettes of these looming mountains got me feeling all tingly and special again.

so back to happy hotel, in the city where i was first renamed and welcomed into what can be a very unwelcoming place. 

going back to square one isn't always so terrible.

the only difference is that i am unaccompanied, unshackled and absolutely hopeful this time round.

looks like the marvelously debilitating fits of anxiety are set to subside for a while. school holidays were always and will always be the shit. 

will be joined by  the wonderful christopher in a couple of days. until then, my only intention is to grab a bicycle and disappear completely. feel much less conspicuous in this town and infinitely more daring. for now, tessa has left the building. might even put on a show and practice my french skills while i'm still free of obligation.'je ne parle pas anglais'. 

because for the next month, i am so done with english.

a haiku

fluids run swiftly

like a bubbling autumn stream

from my frozen nose

a long awaited finale

so i got fired today.

not fired, really, since i'd already quit.
just a short meeting with the principal, both of us talking at each other. stating the bluntly obvious
you're young/you're inexperienced/you need more freedom.
told him i was grateful for the opportunity to learn; was thanked for working so diligently.
nothing special, but the air has been cleared. which is somewhat nice.

shortly after the eerily familiar yet amicable split with the school, it hit me.
this is all i've wanted for two months.
bittersweet revelations as i realised that i only have nine classes left until i'm set back into the wild to, for the hundredth time, be dubbed the 'new chick'. once again.
<breaks for minute-long sigh>
not particularly elated, but not bothered either. i'm used to this.

so for the next three weeks i'm stuck in a very awkardandfilledwithanticipation kind of limbo type deal.

naturally, i'll turn to some solid books and dumplings for comfort.

at this point, i'm experiencing a weird and highly unexpected visit from mr positivity. looks like i accidentally spilled some optimism on myself.
little voices keep chanting, "the next city. the next one. you will make it your bitch." and "go tessa, go tessa" and so on. very unbecoming.

winter break soon.
maybe i'll go back to yangshuo for a visit.

looking to old faithful for some courage:

"take the pieces and build them skywards"

mon the biff !

so this is what they warn you about

CULTURE SHOCK (noun)

"1. the feeling of disorientation experienced by someone when they are suddenly subjected to an unfamiliar culture.

SYMPTOMS MAY INCLUDE:
a feeling of sadness or lonliness
an over-concern about your health
headaches, pains, and allergies
insomnia or sleeping too much
anger, depression, vulnerability
idealising your own culture
trying too hard to adapt; becoming obsessed with the new culture
overwhelming difficulties caused by small problems
feeling shy and insecure
obsession with cleanliness
overwhelming sense of homesickness
feeling lost and confused
questioning your decision to move to this new place 

(the list goes on) "

allegedly, there can be up to five separate stages of culture shock that a person faces. the intensity of the different stages varies from person to person. but the game is pretty much played by the same set of rules. these generally follow the lines of "the more prepared you are going in, the less shock you will encounter."

the first stage - THE HONEYMOON PHASE

it says that the honeymoon phase leaves one drenched in jet-lag and full of wonder.

it's the time when one is purely fascinated by the language, the people, the food - that the trip seems altogether remarkable.

the flaws you encounter seem less like flaws and more like little charms.

the smog, the noise and light pollution, the disregard for privacy - these are all a testimony to your brave soul, your open mind. you eat it up in one swift chomp.

the second stage - THE NEGOTIATION PHASE

so this is when the differences between the old culture and the new one become distinct.

this supposedly leads to the first fits of anxiety. unpleasant feelings start to surface.

feelings of frustration and anger as one perceives "unfavourable" events.

cultural barriers become undeniable and intimidating.

one starts to become unsure of what they can handle.

they question things like whether they can handle living in an apartment without a western toilet.

the friendly, accented cries of "hello" from the natives seem less endearing and begin to feel ironic and misplaced, mocking even.

why wouldn't they just say 'nǐ hǎo' ? do they think you're a moron?

the third stage - THE REINTEGRATION PHASE

this one's the real bitch.

your new home becomes your worst enemy.

settling into a routine, you being to hate everything about the place.

the people, sounds, food, language, attitudes - it's all sickening.

you begin to idealise your homeland, dreaming of the forgotten paradise that you left behind.

pangs of homesickness become debilitating. you leave work early because being in that office one more second would make you shout obscenities at the top of your lungs, which you know you would later regret. because you aren't a hateful person.

one starts to experience feelings of depression, isolation and loathing, at an all-time high.

   and yet you'd rather stay at home alone than venture out and make friends because at least at home you can envision something like your idealised paradise.

the fourth stage - THE AUTONOMY PHASE

 this is allegedly when things start to click into place. the "first stage of acceptance".

one finally begins to feel like oneself again, regaining some form of normality. the tiny things that seemed like the end of the world are now so familiar that you decide that you can live at peace with them. 

the isolation, loathing, depression - all subside as you free yourself by granting the others around you a little freedom.

you start recognising noticeable patterns - haggling, eating, spitting. these suddenly become little signs proving that you are where you're meant to be. that you didn't make a mistake coming here.

the final stage - THE INDEPENDENCE STAGE

 the sweet spot. the motherload. the reason you did this ridiculous and foolish thing.

you are completely yourself again.

you embrace your new life and see everything in a "new yet realistic light". 

you are past being a mere blip on the radar of your own life and you become accustomed to the joys of being a global citizen.

you have learned.

you have regained intent.

currently, being in the passionate throes of stage three restricts me from hoping that i'll ever reach this "independence" business that everyone's all swoony about. i fucking hate china. but, this too shall pass. right?  

tapping out

perhaps the reason i haven't written in so long is because i've shared all there is to share about the complex and unremarkable city of panyu.
saw something tonight that has readied me for packing my bags and heading to a new city.
while i was walking home from my last evening class with the beloved adult students, i saw an overturned dustbin, secreting loads of waste and filth.
not an uncommon sight for the city, but caught my attention this time when i noticed something moving in amongst the rubbish - took a closer look and unfortunately, got a glimpse of a little kitty, helpless in the wreckage.
this cat had obviously been the result of a classic night of promiscuity for two of the hundreds of other cats in the area, all left to roam the streets. the dear unloved thing was then starved and stuffed into an old shopping bag, only to be thrown in a bin with the rest of china's finest squander.
this sucks. big time. watched helpless as cat lifted its head with a voiceless cry, arms outstretched, begging for a second chance while passersby gave nothing but a second glance.
this really sucks.

so this is to be expected, they say, feelings of resentment while trying to accustom yourself to a new culture and a new country. but this has nothing to do with culture and no one should accept the inability of others to take responsibility. to care for a creature that you're accountable to.

so for now i'm tapping out of panyu, moving to another city couldn't come soon enough. i'm not asking for rainbows and faeries and unicorns. and it's helpful - learning to take the good with the bad.
but my feet are itching and this scene has been tried and tired.

i really miss yangshuo.

neuter your pets, people.
and stop littering for pete's sake.
it's been a long week.

because i know you're probably waiting for a new post

love you, mum!